Why I’m Not Voting: My Epistemic Dilemma
It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s… it’s… it’s…
A CONTROVERSIAL POLITICAL POST!?
Yes, it’s true.
I’m about to share something that feels vulnerable, scary, and a bit unsettling to reveal publicly to my peers.
But it also feels important for me to share — perhaps as a way to integrate my own experiences and find meaning within them.
As the election day draws near, I’ve noticed this feeling of shame arise within me…
I feel shame because I notice my friends, colleagues and peers all around me seem so passionate and inspired by their choices to vote.
I get the sense that their vote is purposeful and has a lot of meaning.
It seems to be this important societal ritual that represents their commitment and undying care for societal change.
I have friends who voluntarily invest hours upon hours of their time each week just to make sure this vote happens just how it needs to.
And then there’s me…
For the SECOND American election in a row, I find myself feeling completely uninspired to “make my voice heard” through a vote.
And for the second time in the past four years, I find myself saying three terrifying words (and it’s not “I love you”)…
“I’m not voting.”
As I name that out loud, I notice a part of me that clenches in fear as my tribal need for acceptance in community feels threatened…
I’m worried about being ostracized from my social groups — my friends, my family, my peers, my colleagues — because I speak these unholy words.
I remember during the last election I was living in Austin and a vote recruiter came up to my door and asked, “have you registered to vote yet?”
I told them “no, I’m not voting…” and with a look of disgust this person said “well, that’s quite a shame then.”
It’s obvious to me — there isn’t anything noble or inspiring about not voting in America, but that’s where I am right now.
So the question I’ve been asking myself lately is…
Why am I not voting?
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AM I BEING PSYCHO-LOGICAL?
The other day I was watching this talk from Daniel J. Siegel, MD who was sharing his research about developmental attachment styles and the best predictor of how emotionally and socially resilient a child will be as they develop into young adults.
In that talk he referenced the psychological term, “Epistemic Trust”
When I first heard this word, I was immediately intrigued… “What on earth is Epistemic Trust?”
I learned that Epistemic Trust (ET) is “an individual’s willingness to consider new knowledge as trustworthy and relevant, and therefore worth integrating into their lives.”
In contrast, epistemic mistrust (or epistemic vigilance) is characterized by “inflexible thinking patterns and a difficulty to learn from the social environment.”
The word “epistemic freezing” refers to someone who is “completely unable to trust others as a source of knowledge about the world.”
A relevant real world example of epistemic mistrust would be someone who doesn’t trust most public information that comes out about COVID, thus they may be unable to integrate, adapt and respond to the flood of new information in their life.
Now when I heard this term, I started to get really curious…
I thought to myself, “Hm, well I don’t trust a lot of information in my world… am I experiencing some form of epistemic mistrust?!”
For me, it’s been quite difficult to trust the decisions and recommendations from the political authority figures in my life.
In my experience (especially during these pandemic times), whenever I hear new information, there is often a voice in the back of my mind saying:
“Can I trust this information? What is this person’s deeper motive here?”
It makes the experience of receiving information much more difficult to integrate. I simply cannot decipher what is truth and what is propaganda.
For this election — and the previous — I’ve noticed that the primary candidates (left or right) are not people whom I trust. It then becomes very difficult for me to choose, which leads me to a sense of apathy.
“If I don’t trust any of my choices, why should I even choose?
“If I’m expected to vote, even though I don’t like my options — isn’t that just the illusion of choice?”
“Maybe my freedom lies in choosing to not choose.”
Looking deeper into the concept of Epistemic Trust, I learned that epistemic mistrust, vigilance, and freezing often stems from childhood trauma.
The theory states that as a child, if you weren’t emotionally tended to, there’s a natural distrust that develops psychologically that eventually manifests as a distrust of one’s world —and especially authority figures.
This was interesting to me, but definitely not relevant to my own upbringing. I had wonderful, loving, empathetic parents who took care of my needs as a child.
So what is my relationship to epistemic mistrust then?
Why do I not trust ANY of these political candidates?
Why do I struggle to trust what people in power do and say?
Why am I not voting?
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MY RELATIONSHIP TO POLITICS AS A 90’S KID
In asking this, I wondered if this distrust might have stemmed from my “political parents”, the authority figures whom I observed on TV and was to look up to as an American citizen.
So I decided to backtrack and explore my own childhood social history and my early relationship to politics…
*Gets in Time Travel Teleport-o-Potty…Sets dial to 1998…Pushes red button…shhhhhhwing!*
It’s 1998: I’m 10 years old
My introduction to American politics was the impeachment of the President of the United States of America.
“I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky.”
Well Bill, turns out you did — which didn’t look good considering you had already been publicly accused of sexual harassment just four years prior.
Fun fact: Bill Clinton taught me what a blow job was.
Although Clinton was charged with lying under oath, he was eventually acquitted, remained in office and all was well!
His wife would go on to almost become the next American President.
This experience taught me that immoral actions have no real consequences in America (oh yeah — and blow jobs exist!).
*Sets dial to 2001…Pushes red button…shhhhhhwing!*
2001: I’m 13 years old
I’m sitting in my disrupted 6th grade gym class, watching the news.
Something really bad just happened in New York.
Fast forward two years and I find myself scouring the web, immersing myself in 911 conspiracy theories.
Was 911 an inside job? Can I trust my government?
But George Bush Jr. says it was definitely a terrorist attack — and there ARE weapons of MASS DESTRUCTION!
14 years later I realize there were never weapons of mass destruction found in Iraq… (oops!)
Yet my uncertainties of 911 still linger within me…
This experience taught me that preaching the “fear of other” is a great way to push an agenda in America.
*Sets dial to 2009…Pushes red button…shhhhhhwing!*
2009: I’m 21 years old
Obama, our first black president was just elected.
This feels like an exciting time. Things are really changing!
He seemed like such a warm-hearted human with a wonderful and inspiring family.
Unfortunately, he failed to name the things he did in the shadows.
Like the 542 drone strikes he authorized which killed 3,797 people.
That’s almost 25% more deaths than the American tragedy of 911 (2,977 deaths).
This experience taught me that a great smile can sufficiently mask incongruent actions in America.
*Sets dial to present times, 2020…Pushes red button…shhhhhhwing!*
2020: I’m 32 years old
After taking a stroll through my past and realizing how these political “role models” have influenced me as a developing child, teenager and young adult, it’s pretty clear to me why this form of epistemic mistrust exists for me:
I was never given a worthy political authority to look up to.
I’m aware that I did not address the ways that these presidents might have been congruent with me — the ways they might have shown up as noble leaders and the ways that they did good for the society at large (as I know there are certainly ways that they did).
However, it’s these memories that still remain with me to this day.
It’s like having an unresolved conflict with my parents that, years later, I have not been able to talk about or make sense of.
The consistent lack of integrity in nearly ALL of the American presidents that I witnessed as a child, teenager and developing adult has left me with a generalized sense of distrust for most American political leaders.
Thus, when these leaders convey information to me, it’s challenging for me to understand how I should integrate or respond to this information.
So I ask myself again:
Why am I not voting?
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THE SYSTEMIC ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM
In my observation of America over the years, I’ve noticed a few social trends starting to appear:
I’ve learned that RACISM is an issue that doesn’t stem from just one person or a group of racist people.
It’s a SYSTEMIC ISSUE.
In order to solve this problem, the people need to make corrections to social standards within themselves, their families, communities, organizations and institutions, and hold themselves and each other accountable for it.
I’ve learned that SEXISM is an issue that doesn’t stem from just one person or a group of sexist people.
It’s a SYSTEMIC ISSUE.
In order to solve this problem, the people need to make corrections to social standards within themselves, their families, communities, organizations and institutions, and hold themselves and each other accountable for it.
I’ve learned that HOMOPHOBIA is an issue that doesn’t stem from just one person or a group of homophobic people.
It’s a SYSTEMIC ISSUE.
In order to solve this problem… etc, etc, you get the point…
So as I look at these three presidents that influenced my younger years, I notice they are all very different in nature…
But the thing that ties them all together for me is the fact that they were all born out of the same system.
The inappropriate sexual acts, the public deception, the closeted violence — all stem from the same system that bred, empowered, and voted these individuals into office.
This begs the question for me…
Why do we as Americans still point our fingers at one person — or a group of people — as the “problem” in our political environment?
Why is it still “the president” or “the party” that is the problem?
Why can’t we seem to grasp that all of these divisive and oppressive issues that have arisen in our culture — racism, sexism, homophobia…and (dare I say) corruption — are linked by a similar thread?
Why aren’t we the people making corrections to these indecent social standards that continue to persist?
And why aren’t we addressing this as a SYSTEMIC ISSUE?
I imagine it may be because it’s difficult to understand and articulate what the specific source of the problem actually is.
I imagine it may be because it’s unclear at times what is truth and what is myth (hence my epistemic dilemma).
I imagine it may be because some individuals strongly identify with (or are strongly repulsed by) particular political parties or candidates.
I imagine it may be because many Baby Boomer’s grew up with three presidents who held the highest approval ratings of all time (Kennedy, Eisenhower, G. H. W. Bush) — perhaps it’s easier for them to trust political authority figures.
I imagine it may be because this pandemic has already caused a lot of pain for many — and exposing more pain might be far too much to bear right now…
I don’t know exactly what it is, but all I do know is that in my eyes, another vote is still not addressing these underlying systemic issues.
And I’m left with nothing but a shameful and apathetic relationship to American politics.
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THE REALITY OF MY EPISTEMIC DILEMMA
To conclude, I want to name that I’m not writing this article to convince you to refrain from voting.
And to be honest, if you are voting, it’s probably because you care about this world.
Maybe you’re voting to save the environment.
Or maybe you’re voting to end injustice or preserve your freedoms in the world.
Or maybe it’s about creating a more safe world for people of all creeds and colors.
Whatever it is, I trust that you have good reasons for doing so.
Why am I not voting?
For me, although these candidates both hold values that I could get behind, voting solely based on an aligned value or two doesn’t solve my epistemic dilemma.
It’s like taking a pill to treat a symptom or two — and knowing that I’ll still have to deal with some heavy side effects down the line.
In my world, I don’t see a space for me on this next ballot.
And to be honest, I don’t know what to do about it.
All I can do right now is share my experience, my concern, my voice.
And although I may not get a fancy sticker for it…
At least I know that somewhere, in some way, my voice was heard.
Because I literally used it.
with love & de-vote-ion to systemic change,
Axios
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Did my share impact you? I’d love to hear your thoughts, feelings and/or experiences after reading this. Hearing your voice helps me to integrate my own experience. It helps me to feel more connected in this rapidly changing world.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Axios Papaflessas is an Authentic Relating facilitator, an audio-visual creative, and a digital nomad, currently living in Playa del Carmen, Mexico. He believes in social change through creating unique, experiential safe spaces where vulnerable feelings, stories and experiences can be shared, felt, and understood.
If you’d like to participate in one of Axios’ facilitated connection spaces, join his online Meetup group: IntimacyFirst
